The Impossible

We thought we had more time

Before the walls came spiraling down and all the frames broke at the hinges

Because life, for a time, was beautiful.

And perfect.

Daisies daisies daisies always daisies bloomed in the winter, fighting through the snow, and that’s why they called you daisy.

Not because of your soft yellow hair.

Or the way your eyes were like their brown center.

And I knew when I looked I couldn’t stop.

It’s this distance, my love. It’s this plane and this stop and this flight and this drive and this river and this ocean and this bridge and this tunnel and this job or this…other.

How do I love thee let me count the ways

The pages were burned and the books were closed and I put them in boxes in closets to remind me of you when I felt most strong.

Because I always loved too much and you loved not enough.

They gave me your name and expiration on a page and told me to memorize it because it was important.

I weaved a ribbon through your hair instead and you pretended to smile because it made me happy.

paint peeling day to day from green to red to brown to yellow to green.

We pretended not to notice.

I pretended the most.

Everyone told me to open my eyes because the scary part was over but inside my eyes it never stopped playing. And I didn’t want to forget.

They say that this is the impossible.

Not babies surviving with no arms or legs or women fighting in Afghanistan in burqa’s with rusty nails under their tongues or the high towers of water that ascended thick cement walls and ravage on women and children.

I fear these things most.

Or more.

In this day in this age I never dreamed so much fear could come from inside me.

But I never stopped.

I duck my head low and I keep my heart silent because right now it is easier then smiling.

I only smile when you see.

Under the sky of light I loved you.

Under the winter I feared you.

And in this place we met and danced and sighed and nothing was moving or stirring or sleeping.

Everything hummed with a halcyon heartbeat.

And yours matched mine song for song.

Time was a time with no time.

And I never let go.

Lost. If it can be found. Perhaps only in my dreams.

They let me keep the dirt and I wear it in a locket around my neck. I can still feel it between my fingers, rushing to meet you. the earth became a puddle around me and I think I fell into it to say hello just one last time. Only the roots of the trees could see me still. I think I’m still there sometimes and when the sun shines I reach out so far to grasp it, because I’m only so far.

They tried to make me bend they tried to make me break they tried so hard and when I saw them I loved them like jesus loved his sinners because they were so afraid and they had nothing left inside them but their fear and I tried to scream out I am afraid too I am so afraid but they had closed their ears with their sharp beliefs and tattoos of hatred and I did nothing because I knew you were watching and you gave a hand in this madness and so I filled my sorrow with blood and fracture and listened so I would not forget the date because I love you more then me.

My map became filled with pinholes so the names started to fade and I couldn’t read them to tell you where to go. And you got lost again and again and I tried to find you everywhere, in all the places I thought you might be.

But you had forgotten to, or so it seemed.

The scarf you left lay safe in the cupboard and the dog we kept waited by the door.

I stopped waiting. One day.

You made me believe again. How did you do that? How did I forget?

i.

can.

Only.

Love.