Recently

Things have been extremely difficult.
Things haven't been the same between Nick and I since his dad died.
Ever since his dad went into cardiac arrest over a month ago and he began deteriorating ( he died around two weeks after that), Nick's been different. Of course, I totally understand and am supportive. But it would come and go. Some days he would be fine, some days he wouldn't be.
We found out yesterday he has all symptoms of clinical depression, some he's had his whole life. I'm encouraging him to seek treatment but there's only so much I can do.
If he does actually have depression, then we had a very hard road ahead of us. Depression doesn't always have to involve medication but I know it helps. He doesn't want to see me, isn't interested in being around people or really participating in life and people say I need to listen to him and respect his wishes but I feel like when he pushes me away is when he needs me the most. I can't force him to see someone and talk about all of this, it's like trying to force someone into rehab. They have to go willingly or it won't work. But I know he isn't inclined towards therapy or anything like that.
So that's where I am.

I went and visited Ashland last week. That was a mixed bag of emotions. I hate and love that place. It's a fantastic town, great little shops and restaurants and it really has everything a town should have in it, it's the perfect combo of city and country and I would love to live there. But I can't help that my shame is painted all over it. My failure. My quitting. It sickens me. But it was wonderful seeing some of my best friends. I loved it, didn't want to leave them. But I know Bethany, my best friend, will come up and see me. She's from Virginia and wants to come visit to go to Disneyland. Ha just thinking about it cracks me up. Us in Disneyland?? I better start saving my cash ha.
So far summer has been rough. But I love the warm weather and the shorts and sunscreen. And I know there are fun times ahead.
Hopefully.
I wonder where Nick and I will be at the end of summer.

Today

Nick's dad died this morning.


Why is the world still moving?

There's one thing I've never done before

I've never waited for someone to die.
Just holding hands with the person you love so much and never want to say goodbye to, even if it's just when you're leaving to go to the bathroom or make a phone call, because every second is so precious now. And you wonder why you didn't feel like that every moment you were with them. You think back to the days where you weren't so afraid, wish you had told yourself what was ahead.
It's been two weeks.
It could be any second.

Don't call me crazy.

I've been going through some really really crazy stuff recently.
I have this guy and he's one of my best friends in the whole world. We met at a youth leadership conference six years ago, when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. He fell in love with my best friend, and then after they broke up very quickly, we were best friends. And we've become even closer every day since. He is too wonderful for words. We've been there for each other through everything. He's basically dated every girl he has ever met, except me. He's a total ladies man. I've supported him through all his "girlfriends". I've been happy when he's happy, I've been sad when he was sad, and I've back talked them when he just needed someone on his side, even when he was being a total tool. Which I could tell him affectionately enough.
He met a girl on the internet about a month ago. She claimed to know me, I didn't remember her. It wasn't until he sent me a picture of her that I figured out who she was.
Turns out, she was a girl who had caused me a lot of trauma in my childhood. Due to my parent's divorce when I was four and other things from my past, I can't remember anything from my past from seventh grade backwards. Which is ridiculous.
But I was in Girl Scouts for most of that time. And she was in my troup.
She was a really really really bad person. She had a bad life, foster kid, that whole routine. But she was messed up, on a psychotic level. I don't remember much of what she did to me and other people. She hurt me and other people. She stole things from people and framed them. She did a lot more things, I just don't remember.
So....I remember who she was and I told him that she was a bad person, and that he should back off before it's too late. Mind you, this was when they just started talking. I didn't want to seem controlling so I said do what you want, just know she's crazy.
Things have gotten so out of hand so quickly. Everyone is making me out to be the crazy one.
People change, i get it. He says she lives by him and she treats him good.
I said if you date her, I'm gone.
This whole thing has caused me so much stress.
We can barely even talk anymore. I try to make it so clear to him how I'm feeling but he doesn't understand. Don't you want me to be happy? Doesn't that matter? She could be the one.
Whatever. He's gonna fuck her a few times and then realize how ugly she is and dump her ass.
He's really picky about look and she isn't the prettiest of girls so I figured the first time he met her face to face that would be the end of it. Guess his standards are low.
I'm sorry I know how awful I am sounding. I needed so desperately to get this all out there, every crude and horrific thought because I can't keep it bottled up inside of me any longer.
I don't want to lose him as my friend. But I don't think I could take it if he was dating her. That would be so painful for me.
Am I crazy?
I hate this so much.

The Impossible

We thought we had more time

Before the walls came spiraling down and all the frames broke at the hinges

Because life, for a time, was beautiful.

And perfect.

Daisies daisies daisies always daisies bloomed in the winter, fighting through the snow, and that’s why they called you daisy.

Not because of your soft yellow hair.

Or the way your eyes were like their brown center.

And I knew when I looked I couldn’t stop.

It’s this distance, my love. It’s this plane and this stop and this flight and this drive and this river and this ocean and this bridge and this tunnel and this job or this…other.

How do I love thee let me count the ways

The pages were burned and the books were closed and I put them in boxes in closets to remind me of you when I felt most strong.

Because I always loved too much and you loved not enough.

They gave me your name and expiration on a page and told me to memorize it because it was important.

I weaved a ribbon through your hair instead and you pretended to smile because it made me happy.

paint peeling day to day from green to red to brown to yellow to green.

We pretended not to notice.

I pretended the most.

Everyone told me to open my eyes because the scary part was over but inside my eyes it never stopped playing. And I didn’t want to forget.

They say that this is the impossible.

Not babies surviving with no arms or legs or women fighting in Afghanistan in burqa’s with rusty nails under their tongues or the high towers of water that ascended thick cement walls and ravage on women and children.

I fear these things most.

Or more.

In this day in this age I never dreamed so much fear could come from inside me.

But I never stopped.

I duck my head low and I keep my heart silent because right now it is easier then smiling.

I only smile when you see.

Under the sky of light I loved you.

Under the winter I feared you.

And in this place we met and danced and sighed and nothing was moving or stirring or sleeping.

Everything hummed with a halcyon heartbeat.

And yours matched mine song for song.

Time was a time with no time.

And I never let go.

Lost. If it can be found. Perhaps only in my dreams.

They let me keep the dirt and I wear it in a locket around my neck. I can still feel it between my fingers, rushing to meet you. the earth became a puddle around me and I think I fell into it to say hello just one last time. Only the roots of the trees could see me still. I think I’m still there sometimes and when the sun shines I reach out so far to grasp it, because I’m only so far.

They tried to make me bend they tried to make me break they tried so hard and when I saw them I loved them like jesus loved his sinners because they were so afraid and they had nothing left inside them but their fear and I tried to scream out I am afraid too I am so afraid but they had closed their ears with their sharp beliefs and tattoos of hatred and I did nothing because I knew you were watching and you gave a hand in this madness and so I filled my sorrow with blood and fracture and listened so I would not forget the date because I love you more then me.

My map became filled with pinholes so the names started to fade and I couldn’t read them to tell you where to go. And you got lost again and again and I tried to find you everywhere, in all the places I thought you might be.

But you had forgotten to, or so it seemed.

The scarf you left lay safe in the cupboard and the dog we kept waited by the door.

I stopped waiting. One day.

You made me believe again. How did you do that? How did I forget?

i.

can.

Only.

Love.

If You Want It

I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end

Not if you want it its upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in

If I was hasty maybe I was rushed along

I won't move into little boxes and then not get the itch to move on

So think real slow

Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no

Melting prints of grass and snow

Means I may forget the way to get back home

Cause this is the end if you want it

This is the end

You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost

Yeah I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off

You'll take me home

Like my family did my father did I know

You'll think real slow

But don't forget the speed that I can go away

Cause this is the end if you want it

Yeah this is the end

I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile

Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be

I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes

Her hair had scales like silver serpents

I a statue, stood there mesmerized

I took the fire escape and made it out alive

Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side

Blisters on my feet I crawled back home

Frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones

Nourished back to life by life alone

With one shake of the mane regain the throne

Just because I don't have the words right now. Because life has disappointed me and I've never felt so alone. Because I'm emotional and weak and I hate it. I hate how I can't stop thinking and I can't turn off the questions and I feel like there's only one way to do that. 

Why try? Who am I trying to save? What am I losing?

Why?

I'm sorry it's been so long

But my life has been so crazy. I don't even know where to begin.
The Oscars were tonight, which are my most favorite day out of the entire year. And it was glorious.
I'm so stressed. And frustrated. I feel like a petty child. I need a serious life check. I am offended by everything, and get frustrated by the littlest things. I am so lazy and young. I haven't been able to go to the gym so I've been feeling absolutely disgusting. I don't have time or the energy to do all of my homework so I fall behind, not enough to affect my grades, I never miss an assignment, I just get really stressed. All the time.
And I don't feel close to any of my friends anymore. Little things add up. I think I get close to someone and they disappoint me. They get a boyfriend or get busy with life and I lose them. Or there's always someone better then me.
I feel distant from Nick. I feel gone when I'm with him, like I'm outside of my body. I'm insecure about us. Constantly thinking about the future. Worrying about us, wanting more. More commitment, more sensitivity, more vulnerability.
I need an awakening. This isn't the year I want. I need to make some changes.
Need need need.
Shut up Calla. Fuck.
I'm done.

Excelsiar

I saw a really beautiful movie tonight. It had been a while since I saw something that made me feel really...alive?
It was Silver Lining's Playbook and since I had spent most of the day and last night crying, it was super refreshing. All the performances in the movie were completely raw. It was so beautiful. Everyone in it blew me away. It was such a beautiful adaptation of a family struggling with mental disorder but it wasn't glorified. It was different and I loved it.
When the movie was over, I didn't want to leave the theater. I just wanted to live there and not move from that spot or I might forget everything. I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.
Please go see this movie. But don't be an idiot and go see this movie, you will not appreciate it. You'll just think it's one guy being an asshole to his family and another girl trying to get attention.
I loved it so much.

I don't want to talk about anything else. Some really dumb shit has gone down and it's just made me want to change everything. My friends keep disappointing me. I don't have anyone to hang out with. And sometimes it's just me being a little self-absorbed which sucks but I just feel what I feel and I can't change that. So I just gotta do me I guess.
Itching for more tattoos and piercings. One might be coming soon.
I am thinking about starting dancing again. I took a dance class last year and I loved it so much. I want to start dancing and taking more pictures. Maybe I'll do both at the same time.

it's not like the movies

Do you ever feel like you feel too much all the time? But you know what you're doing, like you're completely mindfucking yourself but you just can't stop? That's me constantly. What a normal person feels I feel times a million. Constantly. I freak out over the simplest thing and my mind just goes and goes and goes until I've gotten myself disproportionally upset. It's ridiculous. But I don't know how to stop. I'm completely aware of it but I can't stop.

Hello:) I have missed you lovelies.
Kind of.
Ha I don't know whose out there. Or anything. Anyone? Hello?
I had a minor speed bump recently in my road to happiness. But it's okay because I'm allowing myself to be honest and not just let people shit all over me. I'm fighting back for once. And that's great. I know what I want and I'm going for it.
I started school today. All I had was weight training and we didn't even do anything. I looked like a total idiot because I was in full gym attire because I had already gone to a class at my own gym that morning. So I was sweaty. Whatever. Those scrawny freshmen boys were swooning in my sexiness.

So I've been working out a lot. Which makes me really happy because I'm making a habit of it but I still have to focus on my eating. I want to eat sweets all the time but the more I work out the more inclined I am to eat healthy because it feels pointless to me to wake up early every day to go to the gym and then totally ruin it by eating crap. But I know I'm getting stronger. I'm pushing myself.
I say to myself YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN BODY.
and then I push a little harder.
The problem is though I still don't have the right mentality about it. I am doing it for looks, not for health. If I do it for health it'll be so much easier. And then I will notice the changes more.
So I'm going to work on that. Health over looks.

Being in love is hard. Especially if you have been in love with someone for a long time. I don't think the actual "being in love" part is hard, it's everything else that goes along with it. Like those damn emotions I talked about earlier!
I've gotten to the point where I am just totally in love with one person and all I want is to give him all of my love. And he doesn't exactly feel that way. He is much more logical then I am and he loves me immensely but not like how I love. When I love it's like the whole world collapses all around you. And I feel like I deserve that. You're probably thinking woah this guy is a deusch. And he isn't.
I really have just watched too many movies.
My sister is four years older then me and ever since I was very young we would watch all these teenager movies like "Titanic" or "She's All That" or "Romeo and Juliet (Baz Luhrman version)". So I grew up with a very fantasized version of love. And that hasn't changed. I love old classic movies. That was real love. There was passion. You remember those kisses, in old movies, where the guy has just finished violently verbally abusing the dame because he's too manly to admit he loves her, and then he grabs her, tears are streaming down her face, he kisses her. And he kisses her so hard! So hard like he's pressing his lips into the deepest kiss in the world. Do you know what I'm talking about?

This is what I'm talking about. I love these kisses. When I was young I couldn't watch them because I didn't understand. 

To me, love in the movies is fearless. The men don't run away. They fight for their love until it ruins them and leaves them with nothing.
I always wanted to be in love for as long as I can remember. I felt I didn't have worth until I was truly loved and adored by someone. He kisses her in the rain, he holds up the boombox outside her window, he waits for her outside the church outside his gorgeous cherry red Porsche and is the only person in the world to really see her.
Love in the movies is something out of this world.
I will never stop wanting that love.

I have ridiculous standards.

I have a lot more to say about this but I really wanted to get started.
To be continued...

Filipinotown and Lady Gaga

Sorry it's been a while since I blogged. Life has been a mess of wonderful craziness. I had my 1920's "speakeasy"themed birthday party last Thursday, which was simply wonderful. The 20's for my 20th! Gah I'm so clever. Not really. Anyway, I had so much fun at that. I invited roughly 26 or so people and about 17 showed up. There were a few people who didn't come which I was disappointed about but I was so surprised anyone came in the first place that I barely noticed. I even got my hair done for it. I love my rag-tag band of misfits. There was no drama because it was such a weird group of people. I love them all.

And then!!!!!! On Sunday, my lovely Nick took me to L.A to see the wonderful, the sensational, the ever-loving Lady Gaga! My most favorite performer of all time. We left Sunday around three and arrived around 11:30. If you have never seen Lady Gaga and have the opportunity to do so, I highly recommend it. The concert was Monday night so we spent the day seeing all the sights in L.A like the walk of stars and the Kodak theatre and the Hollywood sign. Ended up at an amazing Harry Potter themed store in Santa Monica. (Nerdgasm Nerdgasm Nerdgasm). (I'm sorry if you thought I had any essence of coolness about me because I'm sure that has all been ruined by this blog entry.) The entire shop was set up like Diagon Alley. It had the chocolate shop and wand store and robes shop. It was simply marvelous. I wanted every single thing they had in there but limited myself to a Harry Potter watch and time turner. And then that night was the concert!

So basically Lady Gaga is the best thing in the entire world. I say that with complete and utter confidence. I cannot believe people think she isn't talented, she is an incredible singer and musician. The whole show was all about self acceptance and equality and every time I see her I feel like I'm being baptized and cleansed of my fear and doubt. She makes me feel...fearless. She makes me feel like a queen. I got no good pictures of her so you're just going to have to imagine it, I'm sorry. "You all say I am your Queen. But I just want to be your friend. You all worship me. I want you to worship you". How empowering is that? I love her.

This blog was incredibly lacking depth. It was more of an update. This is my last week before school begins. My journey towards discovering endless happiness is starting out strong. Except for this huge huge thing I have going on....which I am gonna save to discuss later.
I love you all. Suck the cock of life.

This is what it could be.

I want to do so many things with my life. It seems like I start each day afresh, full of endless possibilities, truly believing I can do anything or be anyone. I don't think I will ever stop believing that. Every day I think of something new I want to do or be. I can't even count on one hand how many backup life options I have. You know I didn't really grow up thinking I would amount to much of anything. I just didn't feel like I was anything spectacular; I wasn't smart like my older sister or athletic like my step-sister. I didn't like school or get good grades. My mother was constantly frustrated with my poor grades and weight. I was never comfortable or happy in my own skin. She used to grab my stomach and say "You need to work on this". It is what it is. She was, in her own way, trying to love me. In the only way she could.
I never thought I would make it through high school. I thought, was convinced, I would be the girl who got pregnant and dropped out. Not because I was sexually promiscuous; it just seemed like my fate. But I made it through. Even when I struggled with so many personal issues. And when I graduated, I began dreaming again, like I did when I was little. I had some help though; I met the love of my life in high school. I know I know "Really? Love of your life? In high school? Yeah sure". And you're right. I really have no way of knowing what the future holds, especially for us. But all I know is that I can never imagine myself without him. And I think that's a pretty special thing. He made me see how special I am. He encouraged me to dream. Three years now and I still tell him all my dreams.

I want to be an actress. I want to be a librarian. I want to be a model. I want to be a photographer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a fashion designer. A professional thrifter. Movie critic. Professional zombie impersonator. Underwater model (professional breath holder). Lion tamer (currently working towards this one). Singer. Modern dancer. Life coach. Therapist. Psychologist. Teacher. Writer. Playwright. Tattoo artist. Personal stylist. Poet. Shakespeare historian. Computer hacker. Animal rescuer. Own a thrift store. Wizard. Professional tourist.

Those are just a handful.
Most of them you would probably find in a kindergartener's diary.
But I still dream. Every day. I want so badly to make a change in this world. I cannot sit here and do nothing while there are so many opportunities. I want to make this world a better place, more then anything. More then winning an Oscar or living in Ireland. I must make this world everything we hope it to be. I cannot stand by idly while there is so much...hate? Destruction? Not while there is breath in my lungs or strength in my soul. That is my promise to you, dear readers. That is my true dream.
Tell me your dreams.

I know you barely know me...

And I know we are new to each other. But I need to complain a little.
I lost a friend today. No she didn't die or anything. I wouldn't be blogging if a friend died. I don't know what I would be doing.
I had this friend, Tina. We were really good friends all throughout high school, she was a year ahead of me. She was one of those girls that always really wanted to be in a relationship, like it meant a lot to her. She had a few flings but nothing serious in high school. Everything was big drama to her; she thrived in the theatrics of every day life. If you were not giving her your whole life as a friend, you were nothing to her. And even though she has been out of high school for three years now, nothing has changed. Tina was in a play over Christmas and I tried really hard to go but my work schedule didn't allow it. She said it wasn't a big deal, that she really appreciated me trying so hard.
I didn't hear from her for a week or so, so I tried to get a hold of her. She texted me last night, when I was actually having a pretty good night, and sent me the longest ass message ever, just ripping me apart, saying I was a liar and a bad person, bad friend, always trying to ruin her life. Just really really terrible things. It made me so mad, I could feel my insides boiling. I never understood that phrase before but I really felt it last night.
I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy and happy and I don't need shit like this. So I just said that I knew whatever I said wouldn't matter, so I said nothing at all. Her mind was made up, she just wanted to try and sound smart and hear herself talk, make herself this terrible victim. Like I put all my energy into making her feel awful.
I barely have enough energy to get up in the morning, let alone make another person feel terrible and purposefully do things and say things to make them feel awful.
Whatever. She sent me another nasty text today saying she didn't want to be my friend. Well she said a lot more then that, she said some really truly awful things. And I was really hurt, because of what she said, for a while. And then I was just mad. I just was so mad for wasting so much time for her, so much energy. And for what?
It was just what I needed to start this year fresh.
My birthday party is this Thursday. I'm really excited, it's a 1920's theme, like speakeasy, so it'll be fun to see everyone in their costumes. It'll be quite a group of misfits. And I love them all so dearly.
I promise the next post will be much more information about me. I would be annoyed just hearing some stranger spout off stupid small-town drama.
Love and kisses.

Nice to Meet You.

I have really high expectations of what this is supposed to be. I guess I've watched "Julie/Julia" too many times, and that, therefore, has given me unrealistic expectations of what this should really be. I've been wanting to start a blog since summer, and I decided I would do it the day after I turned twenty, which was yesterday. But then I thought, maybe instead I will just watch another episode of "The Walking Dead" and then I thought again, okay stop this just do it.
So here I go.
Hello.
I am Calla.
Damn, I hate that! I hate introducing myself. Just saying my name. I'm setting myself up for failure before I even start. The words just start creeping up my throat and out my mouth and I get halfway through and try to shove them back in so the whole things just sounds like a stumble, like rocks falling down a cliff.
Hi I'm C
               a
                   l
                      l
                         a
nicetomeetyou.

I'm Calla. Calla Jane Gilligan. I am a Caucasion, mid-sized female and am now twenty. Which was a really big deal to me. Because it seemed so, so dramatically different to me from being nineteen. It completely freaked me out. I really can't do the stupid shit I used to do anymore. Like I have to wear matching socks and give money to more charities other then the homeless people at the stop sign before my street. But I kind of feel like, up to this point in my life, I haven't really done anything. I haven't made any dramatic changes in this world. I have done many things but...very few things that really matter.
Which brings me back to this blog. And it's purpose. I know, how lame am I, stating my purpose like it's an essay. But I want to be clear with you. Whoever is reading this. Especially myself. I am going to use this for many things. I never saw the point in keeping a journal because it felt extremely narcissistic and I didn't really know what to write. It felt stupid just to write to myself. It didn't work for me, it wasn't real. So this will be a kind of journal. I can document my life and emotions and thoughts. I also want to use it to set up challenges for myself, hopefully in the form of "Twenties". See what I did there? I brought back to "me-turning-twenty" thing. Yeah there was a reason I kept talking about that. I want to get outside my comfort zone and experience new things. I want to broaden my horizons. And most of all...I want to be really, truly, happy. I want this to be the happiest, most fulfilling year of my life. I want to live happy, forever, starting here and now.
So, here I go. Wish me luck.
Hello.