it's not like the movies

Do you ever feel like you feel too much all the time? But you know what you're doing, like you're completely mindfucking yourself but you just can't stop? That's me constantly. What a normal person feels I feel times a million. Constantly. I freak out over the simplest thing and my mind just goes and goes and goes until I've gotten myself disproportionally upset. It's ridiculous. But I don't know how to stop. I'm completely aware of it but I can't stop.

Hello:) I have missed you lovelies.
Kind of.
Ha I don't know whose out there. Or anything. Anyone? Hello?
I had a minor speed bump recently in my road to happiness. But it's okay because I'm allowing myself to be honest and not just let people shit all over me. I'm fighting back for once. And that's great. I know what I want and I'm going for it.
I started school today. All I had was weight training and we didn't even do anything. I looked like a total idiot because I was in full gym attire because I had already gone to a class at my own gym that morning. So I was sweaty. Whatever. Those scrawny freshmen boys were swooning in my sexiness.

So I've been working out a lot. Which makes me really happy because I'm making a habit of it but I still have to focus on my eating. I want to eat sweets all the time but the more I work out the more inclined I am to eat healthy because it feels pointless to me to wake up early every day to go to the gym and then totally ruin it by eating crap. But I know I'm getting stronger. I'm pushing myself.
I say to myself YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN BODY.
and then I push a little harder.
The problem is though I still don't have the right mentality about it. I am doing it for looks, not for health. If I do it for health it'll be so much easier. And then I will notice the changes more.
So I'm going to work on that. Health over looks.

Being in love is hard. Especially if you have been in love with someone for a long time. I don't think the actual "being in love" part is hard, it's everything else that goes along with it. Like those damn emotions I talked about earlier!
I've gotten to the point where I am just totally in love with one person and all I want is to give him all of my love. And he doesn't exactly feel that way. He is much more logical then I am and he loves me immensely but not like how I love. When I love it's like the whole world collapses all around you. And I feel like I deserve that. You're probably thinking woah this guy is a deusch. And he isn't.
I really have just watched too many movies.
My sister is four years older then me and ever since I was very young we would watch all these teenager movies like "Titanic" or "She's All That" or "Romeo and Juliet (Baz Luhrman version)". So I grew up with a very fantasized version of love. And that hasn't changed. I love old classic movies. That was real love. There was passion. You remember those kisses, in old movies, where the guy has just finished violently verbally abusing the dame because he's too manly to admit he loves her, and then he grabs her, tears are streaming down her face, he kisses her. And he kisses her so hard! So hard like he's pressing his lips into the deepest kiss in the world. Do you know what I'm talking about?

This is what I'm talking about. I love these kisses. When I was young I couldn't watch them because I didn't understand. 

To me, love in the movies is fearless. The men don't run away. They fight for their love until it ruins them and leaves them with nothing.
I always wanted to be in love for as long as I can remember. I felt I didn't have worth until I was truly loved and adored by someone. He kisses her in the rain, he holds up the boombox outside her window, he waits for her outside the church outside his gorgeous cherry red Porsche and is the only person in the world to really see her.
Love in the movies is something out of this world.
I will never stop wanting that love.

I have ridiculous standards.

I have a lot more to say about this but I really wanted to get started.
To be continued...