Recently

Things have been extremely difficult.
Things haven't been the same between Nick and I since his dad died.
Ever since his dad went into cardiac arrest over a month ago and he began deteriorating ( he died around two weeks after that), Nick's been different. Of course, I totally understand and am supportive. But it would come and go. Some days he would be fine, some days he wouldn't be.
We found out yesterday he has all symptoms of clinical depression, some he's had his whole life. I'm encouraging him to seek treatment but there's only so much I can do.
If he does actually have depression, then we had a very hard road ahead of us. Depression doesn't always have to involve medication but I know it helps. He doesn't want to see me, isn't interested in being around people or really participating in life and people say I need to listen to him and respect his wishes but I feel like when he pushes me away is when he needs me the most. I can't force him to see someone and talk about all of this, it's like trying to force someone into rehab. They have to go willingly or it won't work. But I know he isn't inclined towards therapy or anything like that.
So that's where I am.

I went and visited Ashland last week. That was a mixed bag of emotions. I hate and love that place. It's a fantastic town, great little shops and restaurants and it really has everything a town should have in it, it's the perfect combo of city and country and I would love to live there. But I can't help that my shame is painted all over it. My failure. My quitting. It sickens me. But it was wonderful seeing some of my best friends. I loved it, didn't want to leave them. But I know Bethany, my best friend, will come up and see me. She's from Virginia and wants to come visit to go to Disneyland. Ha just thinking about it cracks me up. Us in Disneyland?? I better start saving my cash ha.
So far summer has been rough. But I love the warm weather and the shorts and sunscreen. And I know there are fun times ahead.
Hopefully.
I wonder where Nick and I will be at the end of summer.

Today

Nick's dad died this morning.


Why is the world still moving?

There's one thing I've never done before

I've never waited for someone to die.
Just holding hands with the person you love so much and never want to say goodbye to, even if it's just when you're leaving to go to the bathroom or make a phone call, because every second is so precious now. And you wonder why you didn't feel like that every moment you were with them. You think back to the days where you weren't so afraid, wish you had told yourself what was ahead.
It's been two weeks.
It could be any second.

Don't call me crazy.

I've been going through some really really crazy stuff recently.
I have this guy and he's one of my best friends in the whole world. We met at a youth leadership conference six years ago, when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. He fell in love with my best friend, and then after they broke up very quickly, we were best friends. And we've become even closer every day since. He is too wonderful for words. We've been there for each other through everything. He's basically dated every girl he has ever met, except me. He's a total ladies man. I've supported him through all his "girlfriends". I've been happy when he's happy, I've been sad when he was sad, and I've back talked them when he just needed someone on his side, even when he was being a total tool. Which I could tell him affectionately enough.
He met a girl on the internet about a month ago. She claimed to know me, I didn't remember her. It wasn't until he sent me a picture of her that I figured out who she was.
Turns out, she was a girl who had caused me a lot of trauma in my childhood. Due to my parent's divorce when I was four and other things from my past, I can't remember anything from my past from seventh grade backwards. Which is ridiculous.
But I was in Girl Scouts for most of that time. And she was in my troup.
She was a really really really bad person. She had a bad life, foster kid, that whole routine. But she was messed up, on a psychotic level. I don't remember much of what she did to me and other people. She hurt me and other people. She stole things from people and framed them. She did a lot more things, I just don't remember.
So....I remember who she was and I told him that she was a bad person, and that he should back off before it's too late. Mind you, this was when they just started talking. I didn't want to seem controlling so I said do what you want, just know she's crazy.
Things have gotten so out of hand so quickly. Everyone is making me out to be the crazy one.
People change, i get it. He says she lives by him and she treats him good.
I said if you date her, I'm gone.
This whole thing has caused me so much stress.
We can barely even talk anymore. I try to make it so clear to him how I'm feeling but he doesn't understand. Don't you want me to be happy? Doesn't that matter? She could be the one.
Whatever. He's gonna fuck her a few times and then realize how ugly she is and dump her ass.
He's really picky about look and she isn't the prettiest of girls so I figured the first time he met her face to face that would be the end of it. Guess his standards are low.
I'm sorry I know how awful I am sounding. I needed so desperately to get this all out there, every crude and horrific thought because I can't keep it bottled up inside of me any longer.
I don't want to lose him as my friend. But I don't think I could take it if he was dating her. That would be so painful for me.
Am I crazy?
I hate this so much.

The Impossible

We thought we had more time

Before the walls came spiraling down and all the frames broke at the hinges

Because life, for a time, was beautiful.

And perfect.

Daisies daisies daisies always daisies bloomed in the winter, fighting through the snow, and that’s why they called you daisy.

Not because of your soft yellow hair.

Or the way your eyes were like their brown center.

And I knew when I looked I couldn’t stop.

It’s this distance, my love. It’s this plane and this stop and this flight and this drive and this river and this ocean and this bridge and this tunnel and this job or this…other.

How do I love thee let me count the ways

The pages were burned and the books were closed and I put them in boxes in closets to remind me of you when I felt most strong.

Because I always loved too much and you loved not enough.

They gave me your name and expiration on a page and told me to memorize it because it was important.

I weaved a ribbon through your hair instead and you pretended to smile because it made me happy.

paint peeling day to day from green to red to brown to yellow to green.

We pretended not to notice.

I pretended the most.

Everyone told me to open my eyes because the scary part was over but inside my eyes it never stopped playing. And I didn’t want to forget.

They say that this is the impossible.

Not babies surviving with no arms or legs or women fighting in Afghanistan in burqa’s with rusty nails under their tongues or the high towers of water that ascended thick cement walls and ravage on women and children.

I fear these things most.

Or more.

In this day in this age I never dreamed so much fear could come from inside me.

But I never stopped.

I duck my head low and I keep my heart silent because right now it is easier then smiling.

I only smile when you see.

Under the sky of light I loved you.

Under the winter I feared you.

And in this place we met and danced and sighed and nothing was moving or stirring or sleeping.

Everything hummed with a halcyon heartbeat.

And yours matched mine song for song.

Time was a time with no time.

And I never let go.

Lost. If it can be found. Perhaps only in my dreams.

They let me keep the dirt and I wear it in a locket around my neck. I can still feel it between my fingers, rushing to meet you. the earth became a puddle around me and I think I fell into it to say hello just one last time. Only the roots of the trees could see me still. I think I’m still there sometimes and when the sun shines I reach out so far to grasp it, because I’m only so far.

They tried to make me bend they tried to make me break they tried so hard and when I saw them I loved them like jesus loved his sinners because they were so afraid and they had nothing left inside them but their fear and I tried to scream out I am afraid too I am so afraid but they had closed their ears with their sharp beliefs and tattoos of hatred and I did nothing because I knew you were watching and you gave a hand in this madness and so I filled my sorrow with blood and fracture and listened so I would not forget the date because I love you more then me.

My map became filled with pinholes so the names started to fade and I couldn’t read them to tell you where to go. And you got lost again and again and I tried to find you everywhere, in all the places I thought you might be.

But you had forgotten to, or so it seemed.

The scarf you left lay safe in the cupboard and the dog we kept waited by the door.

I stopped waiting. One day.

You made me believe again. How did you do that? How did I forget?

i.

can.

Only.

Love.

If You Want It

I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end

Not if you want it its upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in

If I was hasty maybe I was rushed along

I won't move into little boxes and then not get the itch to move on

So think real slow

Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no

Melting prints of grass and snow

Means I may forget the way to get back home

Cause this is the end if you want it

This is the end

You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost

Yeah I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off

You'll take me home

Like my family did my father did I know

You'll think real slow

But don't forget the speed that I can go away

Cause this is the end if you want it

Yeah this is the end

I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile

Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be

I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes

Her hair had scales like silver serpents

I a statue, stood there mesmerized

I took the fire escape and made it out alive

Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side

Blisters on my feet I crawled back home

Frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones

Nourished back to life by life alone

With one shake of the mane regain the throne

Just because I don't have the words right now. Because life has disappointed me and I've never felt so alone. Because I'm emotional and weak and I hate it. I hate how I can't stop thinking and I can't turn off the questions and I feel like there's only one way to do that. 

Why try? Who am I trying to save? What am I losing?

Why?

I'm sorry it's been so long

But my life has been so crazy. I don't even know where to begin.
The Oscars were tonight, which are my most favorite day out of the entire year. And it was glorious.
I'm so stressed. And frustrated. I feel like a petty child. I need a serious life check. I am offended by everything, and get frustrated by the littlest things. I am so lazy and young. I haven't been able to go to the gym so I've been feeling absolutely disgusting. I don't have time or the energy to do all of my homework so I fall behind, not enough to affect my grades, I never miss an assignment, I just get really stressed. All the time.
And I don't feel close to any of my friends anymore. Little things add up. I think I get close to someone and they disappoint me. They get a boyfriend or get busy with life and I lose them. Or there's always someone better then me.
I feel distant from Nick. I feel gone when I'm with him, like I'm outside of my body. I'm insecure about us. Constantly thinking about the future. Worrying about us, wanting more. More commitment, more sensitivity, more vulnerability.
I need an awakening. This isn't the year I want. I need to make some changes.
Need need need.
Shut up Calla. Fuck.
I'm done.