Recently

Things have been extremely difficult.
Things haven't been the same between Nick and I since his dad died.
Ever since his dad went into cardiac arrest over a month ago and he began deteriorating ( he died around two weeks after that), Nick's been different. Of course, I totally understand and am supportive. But it would come and go. Some days he would be fine, some days he wouldn't be.
We found out yesterday he has all symptoms of clinical depression, some he's had his whole life. I'm encouraging him to seek treatment but there's only so much I can do.
If he does actually have depression, then we had a very hard road ahead of us. Depression doesn't always have to involve medication but I know it helps. He doesn't want to see me, isn't interested in being around people or really participating in life and people say I need to listen to him and respect his wishes but I feel like when he pushes me away is when he needs me the most. I can't force him to see someone and talk about all of this, it's like trying to force someone into rehab. They have to go willingly or it won't work. But I know he isn't inclined towards therapy or anything like that.
So that's where I am.

I went and visited Ashland last week. That was a mixed bag of emotions. I hate and love that place. It's a fantastic town, great little shops and restaurants and it really has everything a town should have in it, it's the perfect combo of city and country and I would love to live there. But I can't help that my shame is painted all over it. My failure. My quitting. It sickens me. But it was wonderful seeing some of my best friends. I loved it, didn't want to leave them. But I know Bethany, my best friend, will come up and see me. She's from Virginia and wants to come visit to go to Disneyland. Ha just thinking about it cracks me up. Us in Disneyland?? I better start saving my cash ha.
So far summer has been rough. But I love the warm weather and the shorts and sunscreen. And I know there are fun times ahead.
Hopefully.
I wonder where Nick and I will be at the end of summer.